FITTING IN

Q: My friend and I used to spend all our free time together, but lately she's been hanging out with a new crowd and saying she needs more time to herself. How can I get her back?

A: Are you sure you've lost her? All friendships have ups and downs, periods of more or less involvement. Your friend's recent pulling away doesn't prove your friendship is disintegrating.

Actually, one of you was due to back off sooner or later. Any inseparable, we-do-everything-together relationship is bound eventually to feel confining. When you limit yourself to one person, you do just that--limit yourself. You don't learn from other points of view, you don't express all sides of your personality and you don't feel like an autonomous person.

Q: What then should I do about my friend?

A: Give her space. Don't resent her for having other friendships. Enjoy the time she does spend with you without making a production out of the time she spends apart.

Meanwhile, try to develop other friendships. Not everyone can be your best friend or even a true friend, but many persons have something to offer: a shared interest, the same sense of humor, common experiences in your backgrounds. With more people in your life, you won't have to depend on one best friend to supply all your needs.

Q: In high school I was never one of the cool people, and it really bothered me. I thought all that would be over in college, but I see there's an "in" crowd on my hall pledging the same few fraternities. Doesn't this in-group, out-group stuff ever end?

A: No, not entirely. Whenever human beings socialize, some cluster into exclusive groups and others get left out. It's the same in employee cafeterias or health clubs or senior citizen communities. At every stage of life and in every setting, you'll find people vying to be accepted and jockeying for social position.
But, happily, the social hierarchy at college is looser than the one-party system you remember from high school. Football stars, cheerleaders and party-goers have status at college, but they're not alone at the top--or rather, there's more than one top. At most colleges there are also social sets for actors and musicians, radio jocks and computer whizzes, politicians and scholars, and an assortment of other likeminded individuals. No single group dominates the collegiate social scene. So if you don't make it with one clique, odds are you can find your place with another.

One question to ponder is your sensitivity to social rankings. Why did it bother you so in high school not to be "cool"? Perhaps as you mature and gain confidence you'll become less concerned about in crowds and social standings and won't need validation by high-ranking peers.

Q: I envy this one woman on my floor, who's got it all together. Why can't I be like her?

A: This question raises issues both about her and about you. About her, you need to understand that, impressive as she seems, there's more to her than meets your eye. She may be brilliant, poised, charismatic, beautiful--fill in your own adjectives--but for her, as for every student, there also exists an undercurrent of doubt and insecurity. Take the word of two seasoned college counselors: No college student feels, in their heart of hearts, that they've got it all together.

As for you the issues concerns self-esteem. It's not unusual to admire a classmate, to wish you had some of her qualities. But when you elevate her above you, you correspondingly lower yourself. Envy erodes your self-respect. It would be healthier to see her and you--and everyone else--as different in particulars but fundamentally equal. Ideally, you would regard all your classmates as in some respects your superior and in other respects your inferior, but in basic human worth, no better or worse than yourself.

Q: But why should I waste my time with people here if I don't like them?

A: It may help to think of your classmates as an educational opportunity. Throughout your life, particularly in work settings, you'll be faced with all sorts of personalities, from all sorts of backgrounds. Like it or not, you're going to have to get along with them. College gives you a chance to learn how to do this. If you can figure out how to make connections here, even to deal with people you don't especially like, then you've got a head start on future success. The relationship skills you develop at college will prove as valuable as anything you learn in a textbook.

Besides, we predict that some people you initially don't take to will surprise you once you get to know them. They may even become your friends.

Q: I find it hard to resist doing what everyone else does on my hall. Is that a problem?

A: Like so much else, it depends on the degree. Conformity is a universal human phenomenon and ordinarily no cause for alarm. Doing what others do is an almost instinctive way to fit in. That's why certain expressions and hairstyles and fads sprout up on campus, and why in some circles everyone dresses so similarly that it's like a uniform. Nobody has to twist your arm to speak or act or dress that way. You follow the crowd almost automatically, because you want to belong.

Doing what your hallmates do is okay, as long as they're not up to anything self-destructive. Obviously, it's not a great idea to play copycat if that means excessive drinking or taking other drugs, or having sex when you don't really want to, or joining a cult. When your well-being is in jeopardy, you need to have a mind of your own.

It's also not desirable to swallow ready-made values and opinions. Because you want to fit in, you may find yourself almost unthinkingly spouting your group's party line, being scrupulously politically correct, tailoring your ideas to fit the latest campus fashion. But that's not what an education is about. You are in college, after all, to learn to reason for yourself.

One suggestion to locate your own voice and keep peer influences in perspective is to write down your thoughts and experiences in a journal; this lets you make sense of the happenings in your life and draw your own conclusions. We also recommend venturing outside your social circle. You're less likely to tag along mindlessly if you expose yourself to diverse people and points of view.